My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I have decided to leave my past behind, so if I owe you money, I'm Sorry, but I've moved on.
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.